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When conflict rears its ugly head the common response is "Oh no, something's
wrong!" But there's another perspective, and that is that when dealt with mindfully
and intentionally, conflict can actually be highly productive, stimulate creative
problem-solving, and serve as a platform for new ideas, innovation and growth.
And yes indeed, that can be scary, difficult, messy, and threatening to habits we
hold near and dear.
I don't know about you, but when I'm in conflict with someone, I am all too often
holding the belief that if THEY would just change THEIR attitude, behavior,
beliefs, the conflict would be resolved! Sound familiar? Well, this just in: We can't
change other people, only our reaction to them.
But how?!!! you ask? By taking responsibility for our own feelings and responses,
for one. And for another, by putting Stephen Covey's wisdom to good use and
"seek first to understand, then be understood."
Here are 5 strategies you can put in place immediately to step up to that
challenge with compassion, courage, and grace:
1. Shift into neutral - From the get-go, shift your point of view away from "Oh no!
Conflict!" to a neutral stance such as "This person/situation needs my attention
now." Stepping into this neutral position acknowledges that there's something
going on, but discourages the tendency to jump to conclusions, start blaming,
take things too personally, and other knee-jerk reactions. When you step into
an objective, neutral vantage point, your “opponent” backs away some as well.
You've just created some much needed space to resolve the issue with cooler
heads and mutual respect.
2. Communicate your needs - If you're crystal clear about what you value and
need to work/live optimally, you can avoid many potential conflicts if you simply
tell people what you need. For example, we all know what happens when an
introvert and an extrovert share an office! An amicable verbal contract can be
set up so these two opposites can honor each otheres' values. But most people are not mind readers! They won't know what you need unless you tell them.
3. Read the cues - Conflict often arises when people don't feel listened to, cared
about, or understood. Body language and tone of voice will tell you volumes
about another person. The other person will sense immediately that you care,
you want to understand their perspective, and most importantly, that you're taking
them seriously when you tap into their non-verbal, as well as verbal expression.
They'll sense that you're seeing them as a whole person. And once they sense
that, they'll cut you more slack, too.
4. Listen - at a deep level by opening up your focus to include the subtler,
emotional way the speaker is expressing herself. This includes tone of voice,
silences, and the listener's intuitive sense of what the speaker is going through.
Acknowledge and repeat back to the person what you're hearing and noticing.
"So what I hear you saying is...." People sense immediately when they are being
listened to deeply. It expresses rapport and a genuine desire to connect and
understand the other.
5. Make "I" statements - When you make statements that describe your
subjective experience of a situation, such as "I feel like my work on this project
is not appreciated," there's no need for others to argue with you. It's just a
statement of how you feel. Conversely, when you make "you" statements, such
as "You don't appreciate the work I'm doing on this project," you leave little option
for your listener but to defend themselves. This scenario often degenerates into
a blame-fest. Help those you're in conflict with to understand your point of view
by making "I" statements.
Connie de Veer, MFA, CPCC may be contacted at:
http://www.cdvcoaching.com or by email at <cdvcoaching1@aol.com>
Connie de Veer, MFA, CPCC, is a Certified Professional Coach and owner of
CdV Coaching-for Breakthrough Performance. She is the author and developer
of “Pull the Plug on Panic: Speak With Confidence” e-book, workshop, and
Performance Coaching Program.
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