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Conflict: 5 Ways to Manage Yourself....
Since You Can't Change Others!
by Connie de Veer, MFA, CPCC
http://www.cdvcoaching.com
When conflict rears its ugly
head the common response is "Oh
no, something's wrong!" But there's another perspective, and
that is that when dealt with mindfully and intentionally, conflict
can actually be highly productive, stimulate creative problem-solving,
and serve as a platform for new ideas, innovation and growth.
And yes indeed, that can be scary, difficult, messy, and threatening
to habits we hold near and dear.
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I don't know about you, but when I'm in conflict with someone, I
am all too often holding the belief that if THEY would just change
THEIR attitude, behavior, beliefs, the conflict would be resolved!
Sound familiar? Well, this just in: We can't change other people,
only our reaction to them.
But how?!!! you ask? By taking
responsibility for our own feelings and responses, for one. And
for another, by putting Stephen Covey's wisdom to good use and "seek
first to understand, then be understood."
Here are 5 strategies you can put
in place immediately to step up to that
challenge with compassion, courage, and grace:
1. Shift into neutral - From
the get-go, shift your point of view away from "Oh no! Conflict!" to a neutral stance such as "This
person/situation needs my attention now." Stepping into this
neutral position acknowledges that there's something going on, but
discourages the tendency to jump to conclusions, start blaming, take
things too personally, and other knee-jerk reactions. When you step
into an objective, neutral vantage point, your “opponent” backs
away some as well. You've just created some much needed space to
resolve the issue with cooler heads and mutual respect.
2. Communicate your needs - If you're
crystal clear about what you value and
need to work/live optimally, you can avoid many potential conflicts
if you simply tell people what you need. For example, we all know
what happens when an introvert and an extrovert share an office!
An amicable verbal contract can be set up so these two opposites
can honor each otheres' values. But most people are not mind readers!
They won't know what you need unless you tell them.
3. Read the cues - Conflict often
arises when people don't feel listened to, cared about, or understood.
Body language and tone of voice will tell you volumes
about another person. The other person will sense immediately that
you care,
you want to understand their perspective, and most importantly, that
you're taking them seriously when you tap into their non-verbal,
as well as verbal expression. They'll sense that you're seeing them
as a whole person. And once they sense that, they'll cut you more
slack, too.
4. Listen - at a deep level by opening
up your focus to include the subtler,
emotional way the speaker is expressing herself. This includes tone
of voice,
silences, and the listener's intuitive sense of what the speaker
is going through. Acknowledge and repeat back to the person what
you're hearing and noticing. "So what I hear you saying is...." People
sense immediately when they are being listened to deeply. It expresses
rapport and a genuine desire to connect and understand the other.
5. Make "I" statements
- When you make statements that describe your
subjective experience of a situation, such as "I feel like my
work on this project is not appreciated," there's no need for
others to argue with you. It's just a statement of how you feel.
Conversely, when you make "you" statements, such as "You
don't appreciate the work I'm doing on this project," you leave
little option for your listener but to defend themselves. This scenario
often degenerates into a blame-fest. Help those you're in conflict
with to understand your point of view by making "I" statements.
Connie de Veer, MFA, CPCC may be contacted at:
http://www.cdvcoaching.com or by email at <cdvcoaching1@aol.com>
Connie de Veer, MFA, CPCC, is a Certified Professional Coach and
owner of
CdV Coaching-for Breakthrough Performance. She is the author and
developer of “Pull the Plug on Panic: Speak With Confidence” e-book,
workshop, and Performance Coaching Program.
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